Spotty at best
Warning: if you are a male who is uncomfortable reading about women's "cycles" it's best you turn away now. May I recommend going here in the meantime?
http://www.strindbergandhelium.com/
Dear body,
Hi, it's me. Your owner. And I think it's high time you and I sat down and had a talk.
See, here's the thing. Once every 28 days I'm supposed to do this thing, and the deal is I'm not supposed to do it anywhere in between those goddamn 28 days. You can't just show up to say hi, only to disappear again. No popping out to say, "Hah! Psych! OK, see you in a few" on day 11, only to come back 10 days laer.
You know those little pills I take every day at about the same time? Oh, you know the ones...they're small, they range in color from white to light blue and every once in awhile they turn green. Yeah, those are called "birth control pills", asshole, and they're essentially a promise that for 21 blissful days I won't see you around. It is a fucking contract between you and me and the pharmaceutical industry. Do you see where I'm going with this? You are pissing me off, and I'm not taking it anymore.
We've been over this how many times in the last 17 years? You think you'd have it down by now, like some sort of system. Some sort of, oh, I don't know... reproductive system. But no, that'd be too easy, wouldn't it?
I guess what I'm saying is, straighten up and fly right. Don't make me switch to that Seasonale bullshit, I swear I'll do it. 4 times a year, mister. Then who'll be laughing?
Thank you for your consideration,
Heidi
Thank you for touring my uterus on the information superhighway. We'll now return you to the regularly scheduled "Don't Shake the Baby" program. Please watch your step as you get off.
http://www.strindbergandhelium.com/
Dear body,
Hi, it's me. Your owner. And I think it's high time you and I sat down and had a talk.
See, here's the thing. Once every 28 days I'm supposed to do this thing, and the deal is I'm not supposed to do it anywhere in between those goddamn 28 days. You can't just show up to say hi, only to disappear again. No popping out to say, "Hah! Psych! OK, see you in a few" on day 11, only to come back 10 days laer.
You know those little pills I take every day at about the same time? Oh, you know the ones...they're small, they range in color from white to light blue and every once in awhile they turn green. Yeah, those are called "birth control pills", asshole, and they're essentially a promise that for 21 blissful days I won't see you around. It is a fucking contract between you and me and the pharmaceutical industry. Do you see where I'm going with this? You are pissing me off, and I'm not taking it anymore.
We've been over this how many times in the last 17 years? You think you'd have it down by now, like some sort of system. Some sort of, oh, I don't know... reproductive system. But no, that'd be too easy, wouldn't it?
I guess what I'm saying is, straighten up and fly right. Don't make me switch to that Seasonale bullshit, I swear I'll do it. 4 times a year, mister. Then who'll be laughing?
Thank you for your consideration,
Heidi
Thank you for touring my uterus on the information superhighway. We'll now return you to the regularly scheduled "Don't Shake the Baby" program. Please watch your step as you get off.
4 Comments:
At 9:12 AM, March 22, 2005, thatgirlkelly said…
Dear IUD,
I know it is your job to irritate the inner wall of my uterus, but could out try and work out a system? Dare I say a SCHEDULE? The low flow and short duration of the Menses if much appreciated, but it would be nice to have a frickin' idea as to when this is going to happen. Thanks to your willy nilly attitude I have relegated more than one fitted sheet to the garbage.
While I'm setting up a wish list, could you lighten up on the cramping? It really sucks when you give me the spine crushing spasms during sex....though the boy considers them screams of passion, it sucks to feel that your cervix is being twisted by a taffy machine.
Kisses,
Kelly
At 11:09 AM, March 22, 2005, Betagal said…
Ech...cervix twisted like a taffy machine?
OK, so much for me switching to an IUD.
I'm still liking the idea of the ring, if for no other reason than to be able to call my boy and whisper "7 days" in a creepy voice everytime my period starts.
At 11:43 AM, March 22, 2005, thatgirlkelly said…
Now that's just plain/plane mean.
At 12:21 PM, March 23, 2005, Betagal said…
Have you seen the sweet little biscuit that is my boyfriend?
Are you telling me you could abstain from that? C'mon now. Tell me.
You KNOW you'd hit it! Awwww yeah.
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