Not even cats

Every once in a great while, I like to push myself a little bit and try something just to see if I can do it. It's because of this idiotic tendency that I've done things like run a half marathon, play in a band, and marry my first husband.

So it's really no surprise that recently I decided to try to be vegetarian. After all, I've said for years that I could probably do it since I love veggies, get a little freaked out over chicken in general, and beef is too expensive. There's just one little thing--pork products.

I love all things pig. I love Easter ham. I love hot dogs, and no, I don't care if they're the all-beef kind, pig assholes taste just as good as beef assholes. My favorite thing to order at the taco bus on Rainier is the sweet, sweet carnitas (try them, they kick so much ass). But most of all, I love bacon. Oh sweet jeebus, do I love bacon.

But you know, I've discovered that for the most part, this all vegetarian thing isn't so bad. I'm managing to get lots of veggies that taste good while laying off the carbs, and while I'm skipping the cow, chicken, and pig, I'm still eating the little fishies. And on the side, I've been checking out the assortment of fake meat products that are currently available, thanks to all the hippies. Soyrizo is exactly what you'd think, a fake chorizo product, and it tastes pretty dang good. We've scrambled it with eggs and made a great black bean soup and our tastebuds were no worse for wear. Morningstar Farms makes some great fake meat too, everytime I have the breakfast sausage patties, I could almost swear I'm eating the real thing and their chicken nuggets ain't half bad either.

So as I'm sure you're all guessing, the problem is the bacon. There is no way to fake bacon in a convincing manner, I'm sure of it. But a friend recommended that I try the Smart Bacon bacon.
Did you click on the Smart Bacon link? Do you see the picture of the happy little pieces of bacon, curling up like a piglets tail on those [possibly fake] eggs? Smart Bacon (hereafter, "S.B.") does not look like this. SB is approximately the same shade as a piece of liver, and is perfectly flat.

But being an optimist, I went ahead and cooked the SB. You have two options in the preparation of SB: fry it up in a pan ('cuz I'm a wooooman, yes, yes) or pop it in the oven for 5 minutes at 450 after you've sprayed Pam all over it. Because I'm lazy, I went for the oven option. Reinforcing my optimism, it actually smelled like bacon cooking in there! Huzzah!

But no, SB is not bacon. SB remained flat and darkish red even after the cooking, and never got crispy in the oven. Do you know those pads of scratch paper you grandparents used to keep by the phone for messages? There was a gray piece of cardboard on the back for reinforcement, and when I put SB in my mouth this is the first thing I thought of. Gray cardboard that had been left in the rain, and then heated up in the sun before being put on my plate.

My boyfriend said it's exactly what he imagined dog treats would taste like, so I figured what the hell--let's give some to the cats. My cats are waaaay too smart for this. They looked at me like I was nuts, and left the kitchen.

Maybe the cats have it right. Fuck it, I'm getting carnitas for dinner tonight.