Spotty at best

Warning: if you are a male who is uncomfortable reading about women's "cycles" it's best you turn away now. May I recommend going here in the meantime?
http://www.strindbergandhelium.com/

Dear body,
Hi, it's me. Your owner. And I think it's high time you and I sat down and had a talk.

See, here's the thing. Once every 28 days I'm supposed to do this thing, and the deal is I'm not supposed to do it anywhere in between those goddamn 28 days. You can't just show up to say hi, only to disappear again. No popping out to say, "Hah! Psych! OK, see you in a few" on day 11, only to come back 10 days laer.

You know those little pills I take every day at about the same time? Oh, you know the ones...they're small, they range in color from white to light blue and every once in awhile they turn green. Yeah, those are called "birth control pills", asshole, and they're essentially a promise that for 21 blissful days I won't see you around. It is a fucking contract between you and me and the pharmaceutical industry. Do you see where I'm going with this? You are pissing me off, and I'm not taking it anymore.

We've been over this how many times in the last 17 years? You think you'd have it down by now, like some sort of system. Some sort of, oh, I don't know... reproductive system. But no, that'd be too easy, wouldn't it?

I guess what I'm saying is, straighten up and fly right. Don't make me switch to that Seasonale bullshit, I swear I'll do it. 4 times a year, mister. Then who'll be laughing?

Thank you for your consideration,
Heidi

Thank you for touring my uterus on the information superhighway. We'll now return you to the regularly scheduled "Don't Shake the Baby" program. Please watch your step as you get off.